Children’s Emotional Outbursts: Understanding Better to Support Better

1. Where do emotional tantrums come from?

Tantrums are often seen as mere whims… Yet they mostly reveal difficulties managing new and overwhelming emotions. Here are three theoretical perspectives to better understand them:

• Sensitive periods (Maria Montessori)
  Maria Montessori identified key developmental periods during which a child feels an intense need to acquire certain skills. Between ages 0 and 6, children go through sensitive periods such as order and language. When their need for autonomy or order is blocked, they don’t yet know how to express their frustration other than through crying or yelling.

• The still immature brain
  According to the triune brain theory (Paul MacLean), young children’s emotional brain dominates their behavior. Their “emotional storms” happen because the rational part of their brain (prefrontal cortex) isn’t yet developed enough to regulate their reactions.

• Unmet basic needs
  Hunger, tiredness, need for attention or security… When a fundamental need isn’t met, children can explode without warning. Isabelle Filliozat, a specialist in positive parenting, stresses the importance of seeing tantrums not as provocations but as cries for help.

2. How to help your child through a tantrum?

The key is to adopt an empathetic and containing approach. Here are some concrete tips:

• Acknowledge the emotion
  Say, for example: “I see you’re very angry.” This shows the child they have the right to feel emotions. It helps them feel understood and supported.

• Stay calm
  Not easy, but essential! If the adult loses their temper, the tantrum worsens. Your calm is an anchor.

Whispering can actually be helpful to create a safe space where the child reacts positively.

• Offer a hug or some time to calm down
  Depending on the child, they might need a hug, reassuring contact, or sometimes to be alone for a moment. You have to sense what they need.

• Use simple words to describe what’s happening
  “You’re frustrated because you wanted that toy and I said no.” Words help the child understand what they feel and gradually manage their emotions better. They also teach the child how to express frustration with words.

Why avoid punishment?
Punishment humiliates, creates opposition, and doesn’t help the child understand their feelings. It can also damage trust.

What are the alternatives?
A supervised “time out,” calming down together, then talking after the tantrum about what happened and why some behaviors aren’t acceptable.

Helping today so they learn to self-manage tomorrow
Supporting your child during emotional outbursts doesn’t mean managing their emotions for them forever. The more you help them understand their feelings, the more confident and independent they will become in handling emotions on their own.

3. Supporting doesn’t mean accepting everything: the importance of limits

Supporting emotions doesn’t mean giving in to everything. Limits are essential to reassure the child and help them grow.

• Limits provide structure
  A child without boundaries feels lost. Montessori believed freedom only exists within clear boundaries and rules that promote peaceful coexistence.

• Saying no with kindness
  Saying no doesn’t mean yelling or punishing. It means calmly explaining, consistently and coherently. A “no” given gently but firmly is reassuring for the child. They need to understand where limits lie to grow with clear reference points.

• What children learn from limits
  Managing frustration, respecting others, patience… essential tools for healthy development.

Conclusion

Emotional tantrums are a normal developmental phase. By understanding them better, you can help your child grow, name what they feel, respect daily rules, and become an autonomous adult capable of managing emotions. Supporting emotions while setting clear limits offers a safe space and confidence for full flourishing.

Emotional tantrums are a normal part of children’s development… even if they can sometimes unsettle parents. Behind these strong reactions often lie needs or emotions children are not yet able to express.

How can we better understand these tantrums to respond with kindness, without accepting everything? And most importantly, how can you help your child gradually learn to manage their emotions on their own?

Discover some key ideas to support these delicate moments every day.